Welcome to my DPDR (depersonalization and derealization) and Anxiety series. part 1.
In this post I am going to share with you my journey with DPDR, the symptoms that I had, what I believe brought it on and how long I struggled with it. Ya know, just the important stuff.
I am sharing my story in hopes that I can help someone else who is suffering. I know this is going to reach the people who need it and are desperate to heal and return to a fulfilling and joyful human experience.
My Story
I had my first experience with DPDR about 4 years ago. It was the summer of 2020. What a great year right? My youngest was around 7 months old and she was a terrible sleeper. I was getting around 2-4 hours of sleep a night, working full time as a home health nurse, taking care of my family and my house all while dealing with a very painful postpartum condition I was having a hard time healing from. I also had to have a caesarian to deliver my baby and that experience was really traumatic for me. I also was a drinker and a cigarette smoker who did not eat a healthy diet. I was burnt the F*** out. Since I didn’t listen to my body and take a break, cut my hours down at work, ask for help with my baby, change my lifestyle and see a specialist for my health problem, my adrenals burnt out and I started having massive anxiety and panic attacks. These panic attacks further perpetuated my stress and landed me on the hamster wheel that is the “panic cycle”.
The combination of being stuck in the panic cycle and my adrenals being burnt out led to DPDR. My first experiences with it felt like I was in a fog, and I had this feeling of impending doom that was slightly intense and would come and go. I didn’t even know that’s what it was at the time. I had no explanation for why I felt fearful all of a sudden for seemingly no reason.
This lasted for around a month to maybe 2 months. I did various things to get better and heal from burnout that helped a lot. I went back to work, my youngest started sleeping through the night. I got better. The end. I wish!
Burnt out Again
In the following 4 years since I burnt out the first time, I didn’t stick to a healthier diet and lifestyle. I continued to drink alcohol, I continued to smoke cigarettes, I quit taking the supplements that was recommended to me by my physician and I did nothing to manage the daily stress from being a working mother and wife.
On top of all of the above, in the fall of 2022 my brother passed away. Tragically and unexpectedly. I did not cope with his death very well. This inability to cope led me to drink more and focus less on my mental and physical health.
I also tried smoking weed ONCE a few months following his passing in hopes to ease my stress and anxiety. This unfortunately caused me to have a terrible trip that set me into a massive panic attack and DPDR episode that lasted several months.
The feeling of being in a fog, the sensation of impending doom and existential thoughts came flooding back to me like I had experienced in my first period of burnout. I managed to cope for a few months and thought I was getting better until I got stuck in bad weather while driving home from work and ended up having a massive and debilitating panic attack in my car.
This led me to fear driving and I started having panic attacks at home shortly after, so this then began making me fear being by myself. I quit eating because it got to the point that I was waking up in the morning with panic attacks so severe I was vomiting. These panic attacks led to worsening of my DPDR that was so bad I was terrified to step outside of my house. I had fears of everything and strange thoughts that I was going to go insane and that I had some form of an incurable mental health disorder.
I would have a panic attack if I was left alone, I would panic if I had to leave my house, I would panic if I even heard the word mental illness because it triggered my fears of going crazy or insane. From the start of my panic attacks to its peak, where my symptoms were at the worst they would get, was a span of about 3 months.
During those 3 months I experienced terrible brain fog, irrational fears, the feeling of impending doom, the world around me looked fake and scary, like random objects seemed scary for no reason, I constantly felt fearful of everything, and I had terrible existential thoughts and dread. I became terrified of death and dying, and I felt like I was living completely separated from the world around me. It felt like I was living behind a pane of glass. My major symptom that was the hardest for me was the fear of going insane, developing schizophrenia or psychosis or something else. It really weighed me down for those months. Another major fear of mine was the fear that I would never get better. I constantly feared being scared and miserable for the rest of my life. I really thought for a while I was not going to get any better.
Surprise! I DID THOUGH…
Despite all my fearful, negative and ugly thoughts, none of it actually came true! shocker, right? I mean I spent so much time obsessing over my symptoms fearing the worst-case scenario with every sensation I felt in my body and none of it came true. Not even slightly true.
Now that I have read and researched and put in the work to heal myself from these debilitating symptoms, I want to share with others how they can heal to. This didn’t happen overnight, it’s been nearly 10 months since I had my debilitating panic attack in my car and I am still working on driving long distances by myself, so this will take time and effort and persistence, but it can be done!
Enough about me
Stay tuned for part 2!
I want to leave you with this one thought. DPDR is not something to fear. It can be conquered. YOU can get better.
I believe in you!
I wish you healing my friend.
Disclaimer: The information contained in this post is not meant to diagnose or treat any medical condition. If you have any medical or psychiatric concerns, please seek the advice of a licensed healthcare provider.
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